my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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