i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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