I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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