i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
