I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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