I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
