yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
