I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
