The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
