i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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