my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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