my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
