You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
