I'm so fucking centered right now
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
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I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
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