i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
