ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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