If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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