just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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