Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
