I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
