You really coming over, don't trick.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Randomize
