A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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