we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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