Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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