Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
whose ass print is on the piano?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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