I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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