You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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