just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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