I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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