Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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