found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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