Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
