i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
