how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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