pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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