The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
