my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
