Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
