Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
