this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
