i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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