i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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