i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize