Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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