Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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