I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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