Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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