I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
