Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Will exercising make me less horny?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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