What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
