Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
