Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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