Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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