Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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