Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
