Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
