I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
