I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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