I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
this will be a night to untag.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
